Longtime fans of SteakFeed should know, we’re not exactly gung-ho gadget freaks when it comes to preparing steaks well. As a matter of fact, we seem to even disdain using any kind of thermometer at all. Snobs that we are, you’d totally not be surprised to find us mocking the following:
Grill Right Wireless Talking BBQ/Oven Thermometer.
Here’s the problem, according to the product marketing literature: they want you to act like “[there's n]o need to wait by the grill to find out when dinner is ready—this wireless thermometer verbally alerts you when the meat has reached the perfect temperature.
First of all, out of curiosity, I’m going to try getting my hands on one of these for a field test. I really want to find out what kind of voice they choose for a talking thermometer.
Second of all, what??
Imagine your dad: “No need to wait by the grill?!? Oh golly! I’ll just trundle my fat dad-ass down to the workshop and fire up the old Dremel set. Maybe see if I can finish off some of the expressive detailing on the animatronic, Lucite Hansel and Gretel cuckoo clock while the fish grills!”
Your mother: “Stanley! Get back here right this minute! You know better than anyone the signal range on that goddamn piece of metallic crap is far less than 330 feet in practice given the various construction materials and techniques used to build this cantilevered deck and rec-room addition!! You’ll never receive even an “out of range” alarm!”
Meanwhile, the halibut cheeks good ol’ Dad threw on have become about as tender and flaky as those of a Le Mans-era Steve McQueen.
What I’m saying is, except in the rare case when you’re doing a long-haul, actual Bar-Be-Cue of a large cut of meat like a brisket or a whole turkey… just effing stand there by the grill in your Bermuda shorts, holding a Tom Collins and monitor things yourself. You deserve the knowledge, experience, and quality robbed from you by over-dependence on wireless talking pieces of crap. And for the last time, get that damn Bluetooth thing out of your ear. You look like a robot.