Here is a selection of topical headlines from Fake News Web Colossus, The Onion:

Piggly Wiggly Scouting Report Indicates J.J. Hardy Enjoys Rib-Eye Steaks

MILWAUKEE—A Piggly Wiggly-sponsored scouting report shown during an at-bat by Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy Sunday indicated that his major weakness is a hankering for Piggly Wiggly-brand certified angus beef boneless rib-eye steaks, now just $4.99 a pound.

Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave

“The excessively high level of pork loins, sirloin tips, bratwurst, and other meats was indisputably the number-one factor in these deaths,” said Chicago mayor Richard Daley, speaking from his temporary command center at Ruth’s Chris Steak House on North Dearborn Street.

I Wish I’d Spent Valentine’s Day Eating A Prix Fixe Dinner, But I Was Too Busy Getting Beheaded

After all, it’s a little hard for the man of the hour to eat a steak when his mouth is no longer attached to his esophagus. — St. Valentine

New ‘Steak & Onion’ Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak And Onions

MONTPELIER, VT—A bag of Murley’s Steak & Onion Potato Chips deeply disturbed Montpelier-area snacker Vince Houghton Monday, delivering an artificially created flavor so similar to actual steak and onions as to be unsettling.

And from the Radio:
Listen: Microwavable Steak Renews Area Man’s Faith in Humanity